(Anti) vice president

A Surrey man has appealed for local residents to email him directly with prostitute sightings, so he can speed down to the scenes himself. What a lazy good-for-nothing, you might be thinking - if he wants to fraternise with prostitutes, he should locate them himself. Is this community cohesion gone nuts? I don't even know the names of my neighbours and here's a fellow who's getting x-rated tip-offs from his.

Well, let me lay any seedy suspicions to rest by informing you this man is a Conservative parliamentary candidate for Tooting. What do you mean "and"? This one-man anti-vice squad is trying to clean up his local area, says the Surrey Comet.

Mark Clarke, 31, has apparently grown so tired of prostitutes "blighting" the area that he's resorted to escorting some of his family members and even his own girlfriend (known only as "Sarah") down to these unspeakable scenes to “disrupt their work” and "ruin their business" - even though it made his partner "quite distressed".

On one occasion, persistent and brave Clarke spent three hours trying to "reason" with two prostitutes. He was "showered with abuse" and told "I know people who can sort you out" - but left feeling very dissatisfied.

"Most people in the community are afraid of tackling them," said Clarke. "They think the pimp will get them, or they might get done for curb crawling themselves." How does Clarke himself ensure he doesn't get arrested for the latter? "I can do this because everyone including the police knows who I am," he explained, "They know I'm not harassing anyone."

It does make you wonder how many innocents get done for soliciting, when they're really trying to help reform prostitutes. It also makes me wonder, furthermore, how many Tory MPs might have retained their good names if their alleged misdemeanours had really been down to a legitimate desire for social reform. Has any MP ever tried to plead this? Did anyone ever consider that Jeffrey Archer may have paid prostitute Monica Coghlan to go abroad so she could receive a better education and find more respectable work? Was anyone open-minded enough to accept that John Profumo may have had benevolent long-term intentions for Christine Keeler by encouraging her to learn Russian, so she could work as a translator - and perhaps end the Cold War for good?

Of course, Mr Clarke clearly has legitimate and honourable reasons for having regular contact with prostitutes, but frankly the local police force could sound a tad more grateful. Sergeant Jill Horsfall commented: "I don't recommend that anyone stands next to the prostitutes, but that is a matter for Mr Clarke."