Potty mouth

No, it's not a water fountain or a sink. It's a urinal. And not just any urinal, a "disappearing" one. Hence the sparkling confetti. "Of course!" you're scolding yourself, why else would it look like a scene from The Generation Game?

This is according to the Surrey Advertiser, who frankly, should win an award for their classy headline 'pop-up urinals set to solve a 'wee' problem'.
http://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/s/2032951_popup_urinals_set_to_solve_a_wee_problem_
Lesser journalists may have gone for 'Guildford town council finally takes the piss', 'Residents relieved by local council', 'Whizz kids solve town crisis' or the sensational 'Town council announce: ur-ine safe hands'. Do let me know if you can put a *tinkle* in my eye by bettering these...

Ok, enough. This blog is beginning to look seedier than an allotment.

Guildford borough council spent £54,000 installing a toilet unit, "known as Urilift" and it'll be the first of its kind in Surrey. Made of stainless steel, the two-metre high unit will be hidden underground by day and pop up for business between the hours of 10pm and 3am.

Those of you concerned that the urinal might trap unsuspecting, full-bladdered folk underground should worry no more, as "it will be activated by a person on location."

A council spokesperson reportedly said: "We intend to use the pop-up loo to tackle the problem of people urinating in shop doorways and on the streets of our town centre." Sorry to be pedantic, but this isn't a regular "loo", is it? It's a urinal - that is, for men specifically. I'm not sure whether I'm more put out by "people" (that is, womenfolk included) being blamed for the foul stench of Guildford streets or the fact that women have been callously excluded from this £54,000 initiative.

With regards to the latter, can the tax-paying females of the area expect a tax break, given that their needs aren't being catered for? And is a public body finally admitting that men are the prime cause of public disorder... or at the very least, dis-odour?

You might like to know that previously schemes aimed at tackling this have included a Waterbus (launched in 2004 and relaunched this summer) - a portable water tank complete with buckets, brooms and disinfectant. Those caught peeing in public choose between cleaning up their mess or being arrested.

An anecdote that simply cannot go untold is that of a local man "who was caught relieving himself through the letterbox of a house in Walnut Tree Close, last November." One hopes that this story wasn't a main driver behind the new Urilift scheme. Logic (that infernal voice again) tells me that this man didn't aim his member through a front door because of a lack of public facilities. Stand this man in front of the new Urilift and he'd most probably relieve himself over the orderly queue of well-oiled individuals who will undoubtedly assemble at the new amenity...